Kenny’s Review

I've use my new Twitter account to document the everyday ramblings of a high-functioning mental patient. I think that’s how Kenny tracked me down.

After being sent the link to his book, I downloaded a Kindle version, and it was stored nicely, waiting to be read along with about another 300 free books that I had spent endless hours searching for. It was only after he contacted me again, and asked me to review the book once I had read it, that I decided to give it a read. Mainly because he had seemed so nice when I had spoken to him via Twitter.

And cut to a gob-smacked Amy, who had a brand-new addiction; Kenny’s book.

The trials is Kenny’s life, spoken of in such an honest and open manner, were difficult to not evoke emotion. Yet throughout the book you’re never far from a sign as to how patient, strong, kind and inspiring a person Kenny is. I sense this book would have been a struggle to write, with its explorations of domestic violence, racism, bullying and mental-health issues. But Kenny seems resolved to bearing his soul in an effort to educate, support and help other people. It’s truly moving how someone who has experienced so much darkness can be so kind and compassionate.

Throughout my time of reading the book, Kenny and I would occasionally talk via Twitter, and I have been able to share my view that he is an amazing and inspirational character. Particularly for people like me. So many people use mental illness, abuse, or prejudice, as an excuse to be a less than good person. I am thankful every day for an illness which allows me to be empathetic, compassionate and caring. I would not be the same person I am today, without clinical depression.

I am also thankful every day that there are people like Kenny in the world, whose kindness and strength can mean everything to a person like me.

Please read this book, and carry its message to many more people, as it’s a message that might actually make this shitty life, and this shitty world, a better place.

Thanks you Priceless Kenny.

Please read Kenny's book "Always Smiling Through The Tears", which can be purchased from Amazon.

How Many?

“Prescription” – Mindless Self Indulgence

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, ONE HUNDRED, just to be sure.

The Privacy Of SH

Dirty Little Secret “ – All American Rejects

Self harm, for me, is a very private issue. Yes, I’d like to increase awareness of it, and hopefully reduce the stigma which is attached to it. I also have a strong desire to hunt down graphic images of self harm injuries, despite these images often having a triggering effect to my own self harm. But still, I won’t show people my own scars or cuts.

The reasons I self harm are sometimes completely unknown, even to myself, and having to delve into the depths of my psyche to divulge this information to others, seems a rather emotionally draining task. A task which I would rather not undertake. Not when I feel my strength drain on a daily basis. So I become more and more private about my cutting.

Sometimes, I’m keeping it from the people I care about to protect them. Certain family members, and close friends would not deal with my issues of self harm in a way that I believe would be conducive to me ceasing these activities. And sometimes it would just hurt them. I care too much to hurt the people I love. It’s not about hating the world around me, but about hating myself.

So why do I reveal my secrets through Twitter (@WorthlessAmy86) and on my Blog? Because I need a source to vent. I need to tell the world of my agony. And I need to be understood.

Only then will it be told that I never really deserved to live and survive. All monsters should die.

One-Word Wednesday!

Diary Of A Cutter – Part 1

“Impossible“ – James Arthur

Sunday 2^nd December 2012

Today I cut myself for the first time in around six years. I cut my arm, three times, during the evening. I’d been thinking about it so much since Friday, and had started to prepare what I’d need. I’d been very down all day, and feel that my family don’t understand the pain I’m experiencing. I realise that that’s probably untrue, but I think cutting might get me through, and then I can focus on leaving it behind again. I’m surprised at how much I’m not disappointed in myself. I thought I would be. No one knows that it’s happened, and I’m going to try really hard not to let it happen again. It did help me to feel better. I forgot how much it helped. I feel like I’ve let people down by turning to it again, but I don’t ever intend for anyone to know.

Monday 3^rd December 2012

I went to the doctors today to increase my medication, and talk to someone about the thoughts and actions of my self harming. The doctor was fairly practical, advising that I should not be so hard on myself. My parents are in complete disagreement. They both challenged me this evening about my worsening mood. They’re getting fed up of me. I’m getting too hard to be around, and they don’t feel like I’m helping myself to get better. Probably because I don’t know how to.

Wednesday 5^th December 2012

It’s been a few days since I cut. I’m still not disappointed in myself, but am finding it hard to hide it from my friends and family. I don’t mean emotionally, I mean actually hiding the cuts. I feel a lot better since Monday, but I’m not sure how long it will last.

Friday 7^th December 2012

Today is my work Christmas party, and I’ve had a mad panic trying to find a suitable cardigan for the event that will cover my cuts. I really don’t want Emma’s sister (Sweetpea*) (who now works with me and will be attending tonight’s function) to see as I think she’ll tell Emma, and I can’t deal with her reaction right now. What I’ve done has got nothing to do with her, but I fear that she would intervene, and cause trouble. I’m not telling my family about cutting because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m so cross at myself for choosing my arm. I should have known better, and will cut my legs next time.

Sunday 9^th December 2012

It been a week since I last cut. I’m feeling better about it. I still have to be careful around my family, but it’s Winter so the hoodies aren’t setting off any suspicions. I’m not sure if I’ll feel the need to do it again. If I do, I’ll do what I did last time and wait for as long as possible before acting on the impulse. My mood’s been pretty steady, but I’m still a little detached and down. I’m hoping that I’ll improve, as I feel that in a week I’ve come a long way. I just hope that my emotions are more stable from now on.

Tuesday 12^th December 2012

I had a really bad day today. I’ve been bored at work which has afforded me too much thinking time. I feel like I can’t really talk to my friends as they might get fed up of me being so down, and my Mom might get cross with me. I hate what I’ve become and feel like I’m only a shadow of my former self. I don’t understand what happened between me and Emma, and can only come to the conclusion that there must be something seriously wrong with me. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough and I think I’m starting to realise why. I’m an emotional wreck; why would anyone want to be with me. When I got home, I made the decision to cut again once I’d gone to bed, but then talked a little about the Emma stuff with my Mom, and my mood lifted slightly. I didn’t act on self harm today, and will be a little more resilient in the future, but I should try not to be so hard on myself about it. But I am hard on myself, because I just want to know what I did wrong. Am I that bad a person that she couldn’t wait to have me out of her life?

Wednesday 13^th December 2012

I didn’t have too bad a day. Less time to think at work, because I was a bit busier. However, I was in the house on my own after work, and although I wasn’t down, I felt the compulsion to cut, and didn’t even try to resist. I cut the top of my leg five times. And again, I didn’t really feel disappointed in myself. That’s probably what’s worrying me the most; that fact that I don’t seem to care that I’m cutting, because if I don’t care, how will I ever stop again?

Saturday 15^th December 2012

I spent most of last night thinking about cutting myself. I’d confessed to Sweetpea in the car on the way home that I was cutting again; I needed to talk to someone. Needless to say, she tried to be as gentle as possible, but was worried about me, so made me promise that I’d book a doctor’s appointment and consider going back into counselling. I did make an appointment, but I really wanted to cut again. She was so disappointed in me. I know how much I’m letting people down. I only didn’t cut again as I thought, “It’s barely been two days”. I’ve got to try and space it out more. However, this morning I went shopping and bought a new “kit”. I’ve been using a blade from a disposable razor to cut, and tissue to cover the wounds, so today I bought a pack of double-edge razor blades, two packets of plasters, and some medical tape. I’ve put it all in a wooden box that I have so that everything’s in one place for when I feel the urge. I did have to try the kit out though. It’s like getting a new toy. I was excited about it, which I feel should be slightly worrying. I only cut once on my leg, but it still counts. I felt it relieved my internal pressure somewhat. I’ve also started photographing my injuries. Both when they’re fresh, and afterwards. I’m worried about how caught up in this I’m getting in self harm, as the eventual aim will be to break free of it again, but I’m not sure that I’m going to be able, or even want to.

Sunday 16^th December 2012

Today I started the Empty Chair Book. My first entry reads like this:

Dear Amy,

Although you’ve restarted your Blog, and are using it to record the daily trials of, not only your illness, but the effect of The Breakup on your mental stability, it seems that there are still things that need to be said. These things are not said, either due to them being too personal or emotionally painful, or, due to social convention or circumstances, cannot be said to the intended recipient. Therefore, there should be some sort of vent for these thoughts, which can be recorded here in the form of letters; never with the intention of being read, but purely so that they have been said. This may hopefully help you find your strength again, and to finally realise that it doesn’t lie within other people, but was there all along, if you’d only just had some faith. It’s not your fault. This is your empty chair.

I don’t know if it will help, but I do believe in the powers of finally letting go and saying what you really need to say. Maybe this is a healthier vent than cutting. But I’m not prepared to give up the latter just yet.

Tuesday 18^th December 2012

I cut again last night. Only three times, on my leg. It happened after I’d written a few entries in the Empty Chair Book. I was cross at myself, and felt completely worthless. Not too much different from other days.  The one person I thought would always care about me, doesn’t anymore, so maybe I am worthless.

Friday 21^st December 2012

The Empty Chair Book took a bashing today. So did my leg.

Monday 31^st December 2012

I’ve now cut on seven different occasions, the last being last night. But it’s okay. I’m getting better at hiding how much I hate myself, and how much I wish I was dead.

The Last Year: Illness And The Future

"Pain” –Three Days Grace

Needless to say that after The Breakup, I learned quickly that I was going to be fighting two wars; one to get over Emma and move on, and another against my Monster. I lost the battle against my Monster five days ago.

I’ve only cut just three times, during one incident, and hope that I won’t feel the necessity to repeat it, but it’s proved to me how shaky my mental stability is. However, I’m trying to turn around; I’ve upped my medication again, in line with doctor recommendation. I’m trying to be more cheerful, and like my usual self, but it’s very difficult to put a brave face on sometimes. Although I do have my moments when my smile shines through again. I’ve got to learn that Emma was only a small part of me, definitely not all, and that my life without her will eventually feel like it used to, I just have to let it.

So that’s all the catch-up. I’m now here, with a new Blog and a brand new me. With the same old Monster. 

The Last Year: Personal

"My Friend’s Over You ” –New Found Glory

So with the events of Emma, my life has been like a run-away train for the last year.

After leaving the old job, I quickly found out about a “Them and Us” atmosphere that’s often created when someone leaves a job, greatly enjoys their new job, whilst old friends still hate the old job. I’ve kept in touch with one or two people, but my friendships with even Peter and Lauryn have suffered. It probably didn’t help that after The Breakup, I avoided all old work colleagues as I didn’t have the heart to tell the few people that knew myself and Emma were a couple, that we were no longer a couple. It’s been done now, but I feel completely shut off from my old friends, as I’ve changed so much since leaving the old job, that I’m not sure they even know me that much anymore.  New chapters in life have always meant new friends to me, so although I miss my old friends, I am happy to just have fond memories of a time when life was somewhat simpler.

Having said that, I have gained a multitude of new friends. I seem to give people a very different impression of myself, than the view I have. Apparently, I’m sociable, and kind, and considerate, and funny! Who knew! Of course, during the last couple of months, it has been proven to me the caliber of people I choose to keep company with. As the rose-tinted glasses came off in regards to Emma, I had new ones, more realistic to wear, about how supportive and kind the new people in my life are. I’m being very well looked after, and will never be able to thank them enough.

About a year ago, I stopped going to the Dog Rescue Centre. A couple of months before my departure, I lost one of the dogs that regularly worked with, and found it very difficult to move beyond this. Changing circumstances (Emma) did not help the situation, and I just stopped going. After The Breakup, I made my decision to return to things that I felt I had given up for my relationship with Emma. The volunteer work that I did with the charity had always made me feel so positive before, and I wanted to get that feeling back. Upon return, there were fears that a particularly difficult dog I had previously worked with would no longer remember my friendly influence, and I would have to start from scratch with her. Cuddles* remembered me completely, and greeted me by jumping into my lap and licking my face. Only two weeks ago, I was able to pick her up and carry her for the first time. I was incredibly proud. And so was my Dad. Whom Cuddles still bites at every available opportunity. So my work there will continue, and I won’t give it up for anyone but myself this time.

As you can see, I’m returning to my old interest of blogging. I feel that it’s a good way to work through whatever I’m experiencing at the moment, and I still love to write. I now have more free time, and want to use that time for good. Either for myself, or for you, the reader. In keeping with this attitude, I have also applied to volunteer for Samaritans, as a telephone listener. I know my own mental stability isn’t at its highest level right now, but the selection day for the start of training is a few months away yet, and I’m near enough positive that I’ll be able to return to my usual mindset by then. Volunteering for Samaritans is something I have always wanted to do. I want to use my version of crazy to help people. Nothing reaches someone more that someone who’s been there and can relate to your feelings. I relate a little closely for my liking at the moment, but time will straighten that out for me.

I’m finally retuning to reading. After almost a month of not being able to concentrate for longer than four minutes at a time, my love for reading is being renewed. I’m coming home to something I have truly missed over the last year, having only read a handful of books in the last year. An amount which I would usually fly through in less than a month. As a celebration, my lovely parents have decided to get me a Kindle for Christmas. I have finally succumbed to peer pressure and am going digital. It’s also going to save me so much money, and I will finally have in my possession a copy of the DSM, which in paperback version usually costs around £70, but in Kindle version cost a grand total of…..£0.77! This has allowed me to look forward to something for the first time since she walked out of my life, so a good step forward all round. I give it a week after Christmas before my Mom moans that I spend too much time reading.

And finally, I now have a new hobby too. Studying. Well, to be more accurate, studying HTML. When I started my new job, I hit it off with the design and web-team manger who happens to be Little One’s boyfriend. Lawrence* has tried to head-hunt me a few times from Daisy, to be part of his own team, but my boss will not let me go. A fact which I take as quite a big compliment. However, he has taken it upon himself to involve me rather a lot in his type if work, and seemed thrilled when I said that wanted to learn how to write and read code (HTML, PHP, and XTML). With his help, I’m now learning this invaluable skill in my spare time. It’s something that I feel is worth doing as it’s a skill I can use even if I leave my new job. Plus, whereas when I started learning, I was only able to give it about an hour a week, I now have a lot more time on my hands, which is best put to constructive use.

There are a few more details to how my personal life is shaping up, but I’ll fill you in as the Blog progresses. All you need to know right now is that, my life hasn’t hit a complete dead-end. I’m neither alone, nor bored.