Part 17 - A Step In The Right Direction

"Ryan’s Basement" - Hot Like (A) Robot

I applied for college almost immediately. I’d left school half-way through my A-Levels, and decided to re-do them, in different subjects. My parents were thrilled at my decision, as they had always wanted me to go to university and get a degree. My parents both grew up in working-class families, and, as they would say, neither had the brains, money, or opportunities to go to university. But I did have the brains, so they had been very disappointed when I threw my education away, when I seemed to have no prospects for a future. Qualifications mean a lot to my parents, so I wanted to go and get me some.

I’d stopped using drugs by this time, and was cutting back on my drinking, to only having the odd one at a weekend. I was taking college seriously, and turning up to classes drunk was not part of the plan. I had also stopped cutting. It was really hard to stop, but I was spending more and more time at my parents house, and felt increasingly more settled, so felt the urge a lot less.

I started applying for part-time (after college hours) jobs in the town where I used to live with my parents. It wasn’t long before I was being offered an interview at a local supermarket, which was just around the corner from my Mom and Dad’s house. I was successful and was offered the job. That weekend, eighteen months after leaving home, I left my new house, and house-mates, and returned to live with my parents. I felt like everything was back on track. They were pleased with my progress, and things really seemed to be turning around.

I continued at college, and although a lot of the students were a few years younger than me, I was making friends. Friends that didn’t use drugs or sleep around. This was the time in my life that I rediscovered music. I’d loved music growing up, and although my tastes changed with my growing personality, I still valued my CD collection above most of my other possessions. My music choices drove my parents crazy. Green Day and Nirvana are not bands meant to be played quietly! I had dropped a lot of music whilst living away, as I feel this was a pretty bad time in the world of the music I like; nothing really new jumping out at me. I also often found a lot of music very painful, having endured all the sadness that I had in my life. I was unaware, but waiting for a band that I could relate to, that spoke of the true issues facing most young adults these days, but doing it with a smile on their faces. I heard "I’m Not Okay (I Promise)", when a college friend of mine told me about a concert they were going to. They were seeing Taking Back Sunday (awesome band), in a dingy little club in the middle of Leeds, and a relatively new band, was supporting them.

One song and I was hooked. My Chemical Romance gave me the role model I needed in Gerard Way. If you don’t know who he is, buy a clue, and a decent record. He’s the singer in the band. A singer that leads a small rabble of misfits, who has had long term problems with depression, self-harm, alcohol, drugs, and had considered suicide and had to be "talked down" at least twice. Here was a band that I could definitely relate to, and one that I instantly loved. They sang of self-harm, suicide, and death, while at the same time, voicing their experiences with the darker issues in life, and encouraging the seeking of help in these circumstances. My Chemical Romance, although most people wouldn’t think it, are mortally against suicide and self-harm. They had struggled, but had survived, and if they could do it, so could I. I’m not sure my parents have every really understood my fascination with this band, but with My Chemical Romance, you don’t just hate them or like them; you love them. We is some hard-core fans.

So I might have been annoying my parents by blasting songs about Gerard Way’s dead Grandma, but I was home, and seemingly happy again. They felt like they had their daughter back. But I couldn’t keep the façade up for long, and neither could my Dad.