Part 22 - Becoming Me

"J.A.R." - Green Day

So that was five and a half years ago, and between then and now I’ve gone from strength to strength. I’m not going to say it’s always been easy, or that I haven’t backtracked a few steps every now and then, but overall, I’m pretty satisfied with the end result. Depression still rears it’s ugly head every now and then, as you will see from future blogs, but I now manager my disorder better than I ever have done. I’ll try and fill you in on some of the details.

My relationship with my parents could not be better. My Mom is the person I spend most time with, and we get along great. It took her a long time to fully trust me again, but we’re there now, and have been for quite some time. She says that most of the time, I’m a pleasure to live with, and I find her friendship and support something I truly enjoy. I don’t have the communication difficulties that I used to have with them, and because of my openness, and mature ways, they value me as the adult I have now become.

My Dad still struggles from time to time, and their marriage still has it’s rocky moments, but I’m used to it now. My Mother often finds my past a comfort during these times, as I’m usually able to translate my Father to her in ways she can understand. I’ll always be the piggy in the middle between them, trying to make excuses for my Father, and they have both come to rely on me doing this. They will never have a perfect marriage, but they do love each other, and if them being happy, means that I occasionally have to assume the role of marriage counsellor, I am all too happy to do so.

Through everything that we have been through, we have become an extremely close family, and I am now mature enough to fill a proper role within this family, hopefully providing my parents with the support they may require at certain times, as well as it working the other way around. I love my family dearly, and would not be here without their love and forgiveness.

My relationship with my Grandparents has stabilised too in this time. My Nana was understandably angry at me for the way I treated my parents during my late teens, but she is now thankful that I have changed my ways, and can provide the companionship to my Mother that she often needs. My Nana was diagnosed with breast cancer about three years ago. Luckily she had an early diagnosis, which led to quick treatment, and her entering remission only a few months later. My Nana will always inspire me, as she is one of the strongest people I know (no way was cancer ever going to beat her), and I am glad my relationship with her has returned to a healthier level.

My Dad’s Mother was the first death I experienced in my life, and it occurred a short while before my Nana’s diagnosis. My Dad’s Mom’s deteriorating health led to my Father re-establishing his relationship with his family, and therefore, me establishing a relationship with them. I saw my Grandmother, for the first time in about 13 years, a mere two days before she died, and with it being my first family death, I took it hard. But, I got through it with only tears as my painful outlet, and it brought us all closer in the long run. My Dad’s Father, whom after 13 years had gone from a predatory male in many people’s minds, to a feeble seventy year old, passed away approximately a year after his wife. I did not attend the funeral, but grieved for my Dad’s loss privately. The man was still his Father no matter what had happened in the past, and I was sad for him.

My Dad’s reconnection with his sisters, through my Grandmother’s death, was a joy to him, and allowed him to enjoy these last few years that they had together, before (at the beginning of this year) his youngest sister (Aunty Number 3) committed suicide. She’d got the gene too, as both my other Aunties had, and after a marriage breakdown, refused psychiatric help, and hung herself after taking an overdose of the medication she had been prescribed to ease her depression symptoms. It was a huge loss for my Dad, and due to the circumstances, raised a lot of unanswered questions. She will always be missed, but her ghost has been put to rest now, and I for one, will always remember the Aunty that I got along with so well, who always struck me as the strongest of the four siblings, who constantly made me chuckle, but who I would have loved to have more time with.

I’ve risen through the ranks in my workplace too. After about a years’ service as an office-junior, I was promoted, and actually discovered that I was quite good at my job. I’ve formed relationships within, and outside of the department, and have seen many other employees come and go. In 2008, I took a side-step within the department, after a colleague’s change of job roles, and found a job I loved even more. Sometimes it’s stressful, as I have to work to close deadlines, and I get paid probably a hell of a lot less than if I was doing the same job in a company in London, but I think job satisfaction means a massive amount in this day and age, and to say that I don’t actually mind being there too much, is a big say. Plus it has afforded me benefits that were so far out of my reach before; I’ve been driving for four and a half years now, and love the freedom this ability (and my little blue (the first one was purple) car) provides me with.

I occasionally experience working difficulties with my senior manager (the woman that originally hired me), as she sometimes plays on my insecurities with her manipulative and controlling ways, but this has even improved in recent times. I am beginning to stand up for myself when appropriate, due to a new-found level of confidence, and last year, a new line manager was employed within the department, who became my "senior-manager-buffer". My old line manager, who became my manager when I’d side stepped, had a very hands off approach to team management, whereas my new boss (who we shall call Peter*) is completely different. He’s very different. He’s a complete loon. I’m either laughing hysterically at him, or getting so exasperated, that I want to thrown tic-tacs at him (which is something I have done on many occasions). He’s defiantly an "out-side of the box" person, but it’s just what the department needs (a little bit of light-heartedness), and although a lot of my day is now spent giggling at him drawing inappropriate things in a notepad as a way of stress relief, he probably gets more work out of me, now that it’s not so tense in the office.

My back went while I was at work about two and a half years ago. I don’t know what I did, but according to the doctor, it doesn’t take a lot for a back to go, and sitting at a computer is one of the worst professions for back issues. I had eight weeks off work, which sounds fun…..if you can actually walk. I spent the time dosed off my head on tramadol (kick-ass high-strength painkiller), and staring at a wall. It took me a month of part-time work to get my hours back up to their full-time level, and I still walk like an old granny sometimes now. My colleagues are all pretty helpful with this, and I’m often getting told off for trying to carry something which has the potential to cause some serious problems. I’m just a delicate little flower really! It was a partially problematic time for me mental-health wise, as the frustration of having an active brain but an out-of-service body, was intolerable, and so I’m still grateful to this day for not having to look at that same wall every day. It’s proved to me, that I will never return to my old skiving ways, as quite simply, I’d be bored to death.

So I mentioned earlier that I have gained a lot of friends through my new-found life, but I’ve also lost a couple. Not usually through any fault of my own; just a natural progression of circumstances. People I was really close too at the beginning of my employment, don’t figure too significantly in my life any more. I’ve also found that some of my friendships have distanced due to my changing personality. Five years ago, I had extremely low self-esteem, and barely any confidence to speak of, and I would often allow other peoples’ personalities to dominate my own. That doesn’t happen too much now, and although the large portion of my fiends are happy to see this change, others (who perhaps may have used me to bolster their own issues) were not as pleased. The change I have been through has enabled me to find the friends that are truly fond on me, and not for anything else that I can give them.

I did have returning issues with alcohol a while back. Although I never drunk as much (in time or quantity) as I had done before, I was frequently binge-drinking at the weekends, and my temper and moods were being affected. I once had a really awful argument with a friend that boiled down to the fact that I was drunk. Two and a half years ago, on New Year's Day of 2009 I stopped drinking. Completely. Well, I’ve had two drinks in the mean-time (one at Christmas in 2009, almost a year after I stopped, and one at my Aunty Number 3’s funeral). It was very difficult at first, and I found that for a long time, my social life was severely impaired, but after about a year, I discovered that it no longer bothered me to sit in a pub whilst other people are drinking, as long as the company’s of pretty high quality. I no longer crave a drink like I used to, but can get quickly bored in a pub, with dull people. Emma is never one of those people, and I always have a great time (and many chuckles) with her no matter where we are. She isn’t a big drinker herself due to the diabetes, so we both have the same opinion of pubs as an enjoyable activity.

Now that my drinking had ceased, so has my sexual activity. I no longer degrade myself by having endless one-night-stands, and am happy to have it this way. I am still single, and am currently not looking for a partner in any form. I’m happy on my own for a while, to enjoy just being me, before I start enjoying being part of a couple. Emma, again, is also single, so I don’t really ever feel left out. Besides, my romantic life is slightly more complicated.

Last year I took the plunge, and decided to tell my parents about my sexuality. I am still attracted to blokes, however, with my history, it seems unlikely that I will ever be able to truly enjoy a "normal" relationship with a guy, so I did finally talk to my parents about the possibility that in the future, it might not be a boyfriend that I brought home. I think their general consensus was "Surprise Surprise"! But having that out in the open makes me feel a lot more comfortable about any future romantic prospects.

In March of 2009, I became a Mom. Children? I hear you say. No. I don’t like them! However, that was the date that one of the most positive things that’s ever happened to me, happened. I adopted a dog. My Mom had never really liked dogs, but then we adopted an ex-racer greyhound (Dog Number 1) from a local rescue centre when I was sixteen years old, and she became a dog person, big time. She loved that dog; both of my parents did. My Dad had always wanted a dog so he was thrilled. And I love dogs too, so it was really special to have one of our own. Whilst I lived away, they adopted another rescue dog (Dog Number 2), and after many years of being plagued by me after I’d moved back home, they consented to having a third dog, who would primarily be my dog. This dog is my baby. I’ll call him Puppy for the sake of the blog, but he’s actually about five years old now. He too was a rescue dog, and a problem one at that. He’s the only dog that we’ve had to date, that wasn’t only neglected, but also abused. He had scars all over his mouth when he arrived with us, and was initially very insecure, and mostly badly behaved. However, we persevered, because he’s an amazing dog for the large majority of the time. The hard work had paid off though, and he’s now a very secure and happy doggy. One who gets spoilt rotten.

Unfortunately, about a year an a half ago, we lost the greyhound to cancer. It was a devastating blow for my parents, and I supported them in their grief as much as I could. He was a lovely dog whom it was very difficult to let go. But he lives on in the fact that we now are a fully committed dog family, and he’s still around…..in a box. We had him cremated, and although it’s a very discreet box, more than a few family members have been caught talking to it at times. I smile now thinking of what he was like, and what he has afforded me and my parents.

Soon after this loss, my parents decided to fill their grief with Dog Number 4 (also known as William). He’s a little terror; very demanding, and at times, purely odd, but my Mother worships him to the point of ridiculousness. Really, I mean, I thought I was bad because I let my dog sleep on my bed, but my Mother buys this dog it’s own ice-creams, and now drinks decaffeinated tea so that she can share it with her dog! Madness!

All four of the dogs we have had are from the same rescue home. All three of us are now involved with working with this charity (which is what the rescue centre is, although it is based out of a local boarding kennels, where they get discounted rates) in some form or another. My Mom does some of the charity fund-raising, such as collections and stalls. I’ll do a little bit of that, but more recently I have been following in my Father’s path of helping to behaviourally prepare some of the rescue dogs for re-homing. Quite a few of the dogs that come into the centre have been badly treated, and are therefore a little cautious, which may cause behaviour difficulties. After our experiences with Puppy, my family is a big advocate of the, no dog ever needs to be put down due to bad behaviour, and that they just need to be shown a new way of doing things, rule. Having someone nice coming to visit them a couple of times a week is often enough to make them re-assess their beliefs of what an owner can be for them. I always try to let the dogs see that people can actually be really nice, especially when they have hotdogs all the time. It’s really rewarding to see these dogs progress, and a bond develop with them, and then seeing them leave to go into a good home. It was all my Puppy needed, so if I can help do the same with other dogs, it’s worth being bitten a few times. Although, I have to say that, I keep getting given the biting dogs to work with, but I have never yet been bitten. My parents, and the amazing woman that runs the rescue charity seem to think I have some magical power that mean a biting dog won’t bite me. I’ve always been jealous of people who had something in their lives that they are really good at, like music, or drawing, or singing. I appears to be good…..at dogs. Not a bad skill really.

So that’s a lot of the last five years in a nut-shell. I did miss something out. My final push.