Diary Of A Cutter – Part 1

“Impossible“ – James Arthur

Sunday 2^nd December 2012

Today I cut myself for the first time in around six years. I cut my arm, three times, during the evening. I’d been thinking about it so much since Friday, and had started to prepare what I’d need. I’d been very down all day, and feel that my family don’t understand the pain I’m experiencing. I realise that that’s probably untrue, but I think cutting might get me through, and then I can focus on leaving it behind again. I’m surprised at how much I’m not disappointed in myself. I thought I would be. No one knows that it’s happened, and I’m going to try really hard not to let it happen again. It did help me to feel better. I forgot how much it helped. I feel like I’ve let people down by turning to it again, but I don’t ever intend for anyone to know.

Monday 3^rd December 2012

I went to the doctors today to increase my medication, and talk to someone about the thoughts and actions of my self harming. The doctor was fairly practical, advising that I should not be so hard on myself. My parents are in complete disagreement. They both challenged me this evening about my worsening mood. They’re getting fed up of me. I’m getting too hard to be around, and they don’t feel like I’m helping myself to get better. Probably because I don’t know how to.

Wednesday 5^th December 2012

It’s been a few days since I cut. I’m still not disappointed in myself, but am finding it hard to hide it from my friends and family. I don’t mean emotionally, I mean actually hiding the cuts. I feel a lot better since Monday, but I’m not sure how long it will last.

Friday 7^th December 2012

Today is my work Christmas party, and I’ve had a mad panic trying to find a suitable cardigan for the event that will cover my cuts. I really don’t want Emma’s sister (Sweetpea*) (who now works with me and will be attending tonight’s function) to see as I think she’ll tell Emma, and I can’t deal with her reaction right now. What I’ve done has got nothing to do with her, but I fear that she would intervene, and cause trouble. I’m not telling my family about cutting because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m so cross at myself for choosing my arm. I should have known better, and will cut my legs next time.

Sunday 9^th December 2012

It been a week since I last cut. I’m feeling better about it. I still have to be careful around my family, but it’s Winter so the hoodies aren’t setting off any suspicions. I’m not sure if I’ll feel the need to do it again. If I do, I’ll do what I did last time and wait for as long as possible before acting on the impulse. My mood’s been pretty steady, but I’m still a little detached and down. I’m hoping that I’ll improve, as I feel that in a week I’ve come a long way. I just hope that my emotions are more stable from now on.

Tuesday 12^th December 2012

I had a really bad day today. I’ve been bored at work which has afforded me too much thinking time. I feel like I can’t really talk to my friends as they might get fed up of me being so down, and my Mom might get cross with me. I hate what I’ve become and feel like I’m only a shadow of my former self. I don’t understand what happened between me and Emma, and can only come to the conclusion that there must be something seriously wrong with me. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough and I think I’m starting to realise why. I’m an emotional wreck; why would anyone want to be with me. When I got home, I made the decision to cut again once I’d gone to bed, but then talked a little about the Emma stuff with my Mom, and my mood lifted slightly. I didn’t act on self harm today, and will be a little more resilient in the future, but I should try not to be so hard on myself about it. But I am hard on myself, because I just want to know what I did wrong. Am I that bad a person that she couldn’t wait to have me out of her life?

Wednesday 13^th December 2012

I didn’t have too bad a day. Less time to think at work, because I was a bit busier. However, I was in the house on my own after work, and although I wasn’t down, I felt the compulsion to cut, and didn’t even try to resist. I cut the top of my leg five times. And again, I didn’t really feel disappointed in myself. That’s probably what’s worrying me the most; that fact that I don’t seem to care that I’m cutting, because if I don’t care, how will I ever stop again?

Saturday 15^th December 2012

I spent most of last night thinking about cutting myself. I’d confessed to Sweetpea in the car on the way home that I was cutting again; I needed to talk to someone. Needless to say, she tried to be as gentle as possible, but was worried about me, so made me promise that I’d book a doctor’s appointment and consider going back into counselling. I did make an appointment, but I really wanted to cut again. She was so disappointed in me. I know how much I’m letting people down. I only didn’t cut again as I thought, “It’s barely been two days”. I’ve got to try and space it out more. However, this morning I went shopping and bought a new “kit”. I’ve been using a blade from a disposable razor to cut, and tissue to cover the wounds, so today I bought a pack of double-edge razor blades, two packets of plasters, and some medical tape. I’ve put it all in a wooden box that I have so that everything’s in one place for when I feel the urge. I did have to try the kit out though. It’s like getting a new toy. I was excited about it, which I feel should be slightly worrying. I only cut once on my leg, but it still counts. I felt it relieved my internal pressure somewhat. I’ve also started photographing my injuries. Both when they’re fresh, and afterwards. I’m worried about how caught up in this I’m getting in self harm, as the eventual aim will be to break free of it again, but I’m not sure that I’m going to be able, or even want to.

Sunday 16^th December 2012

Today I started the Empty Chair Book. My first entry reads like this:

Dear Amy,

Although you’ve restarted your Blog, and are using it to record the daily trials of, not only your illness, but the effect of The Breakup on your mental stability, it seems that there are still things that need to be said. These things are not said, either due to them being too personal or emotionally painful, or, due to social convention or circumstances, cannot be said to the intended recipient. Therefore, there should be some sort of vent for these thoughts, which can be recorded here in the form of letters; never with the intention of being read, but purely so that they have been said. This may hopefully help you find your strength again, and to finally realise that it doesn’t lie within other people, but was there all along, if you’d only just had some faith. It’s not your fault. This is your empty chair.

I don’t know if it will help, but I do believe in the powers of finally letting go and saying what you really need to say. Maybe this is a healthier vent than cutting. But I’m not prepared to give up the latter just yet.

Tuesday 18^th December 2012

I cut again last night. Only three times, on my leg. It happened after I’d written a few entries in the Empty Chair Book. I was cross at myself, and felt completely worthless. Not too much different from other days.  The one person I thought would always care about me, doesn’t anymore, so maybe I am worthless.

Friday 21^st December 2012

The Empty Chair Book took a bashing today. So did my leg.

Monday 31^st December 2012

I’ve now cut on seven different occasions, the last being last night. But it’s okay. I’m getting better at hiding how much I hate myself, and how much I wish I was dead.